The other day I started planning for the future. Trying to get a headstart on what I think I might want to do after this next chapter of life. Kinda crazy seeing as the next chapter hasn’t officially started yet but I wanted to get the ball rolling. I prayed that it wasn’t my response to feeling untravelled this year. It’s seems like such a silly thing to get upset over but I’ll let you in to my mind for a sec. Ever since 2014 I have gone somewhere abroad. This may not seem like a huge amount of time but for me it was significant in the sense that when I was younger my family and I didn’t really travel much. I remember going to France and Spain via coach twice and the rest of the time we camped in places I could never remember but they always looked like home. Maybe this is me not appreciating how much time and effort actually goes into planning a holiday for a family of four. It was a great time and I loved it, I’m grateful for the times travelling that we had but as soon as I got a taste for travelling on my own. I’ve just always wanted to do it.
Travelling, is real good for the soul. Depending on what you do with it. I love experiencing a new culture, learning about the way that they live. Relaxing and re-calibrating from home life. For a while everything kinda stops when you’re on holiday. Time slows and you feel like you truly get to appreciate life in a way that doesn’t keep you distracted and you begin to appreciate life better from a point of rest.
I’ve wrestled day and night with the Lord about this seemingly trivial thing of not travelling anywhere this year. It seems silly when I talk about it and makes me feel like a right brat but maybe that yearning for new soil beneath my feet is a reaction to something deeper going on inside my heart. What is this a reaction to? Is this a reaction to something or someone’s adventure that I saw on instagram? Is this a response to something that I watched on YouTube? What’s the purpose for me wanting to travel? Is it to really truly explore or get something new and exciting for my instagram feed?
One of my best friends recently got back from America (thankfully bringing our other best friend back with her WOO) and before she left she told us that she was going to be on a social media break for the entirety of the trip. Now we love our social media and I was so moved by the idea that it made me legit reevaluate my life. Imagine going on holiday and not worrying about what to post or wanting people to know where you are or wanting others to see what you’re doing. We’re the generation where we grew up and discovered social media and it now plays such a huge part in our lives. At times we no longer do it for ourselves but for what we want other people to see about our lives. But maybe, just maybe this goes a lot deeper than surface level?
I remember being in the supermarket with someone I use to date, granted we were going through a really rocky patch so I was not in the greatest state of mind. I had just submitted my dissertation and had posted it on social media. There were a lot of “likes” on the post but I didn’t really care about their like what I really cared about was HIS like. And I asked him, I remember hanging off his shoulder and literally ASKING him for a like. “Babeee, would you be able to like my dissertation post on Instagram?” I think in my head I had some delusional thought that this would be a sign of strength in our relationship, which is silly, for a like to represent that as if a LIKE could repair the relationship at that very moment. He was so taken aback at the fact that I’d even asked him to do such a thing. Rightfully so, I was being silly!
We broke up a couple of days later. But was it because of a like? No. way. I think it’s funny looking back in hindsight how you can search for ways to disguise the crumbling of a relationship. I had put my hope in the fact that if I disguised it instead of recognising the motivations of my heart and facing this hurdle straight on then maybe it’ll LOOK like we’re strong together when we really were not.
It was a temporal solution to an underlying ignorance of mine.
I was desperate.
I wanted his online approval because I knew that he was slipping through my fingers and I had no idea how to stop it.
The amount of times I have LIVED through my screen. Lived the way others travel, watched them experience life and longed after their experience, has given me a false reality. It’s so hard knowing that social media is something that I want to get into as a career. But when I get so consumed about the aesthetics and whether this photo matches my Instagram theme and becoming obsessed with how many likes I got and or rather, didn’t get, then I really need to reevaluate my life and priorities and just sit before the Lord letting Him reveal what’s REALLY going on inside of me.
I’ll end on this note, I remember a few weeks go being on my face before the Lord one day, spending time with Him and He told me this:
“Ros, I will take you to places you’d never thought you’d go. If you cannot be satisfied in the here and now how can you be satisfied 100 miles away from here?”
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.